Family matters--gender transition and our families

My mother was basically rejected by her own biological parents and shipped off to live in foster care when she was three years old. It's a long story, but 50-some years later, as her biological father was dying, he sent her a check for $500 to make up for it all--about $10 a year for the years that he had not been there.

No one in our family was ever wealthy. She could have used the money. She sent the check back.

One of the problems with family rejection is that it can end up destroying--or, at the very least, damaging--the rejector as well as the rejectee (I don't think those are real words). And although my mother wasn't trans, it happens all too often to trans people.

My sister is my only living relative, and when I first transitioned, our relationship was strained. There wasn't outright rejection, but neither of us was really comfortable in our "new" relationship to each other--she didn't see me as a big brother, and I didn't see her from a big brother's perspective.

In the first two years, we probably spoke two or three times a year, even though we lived in the same city. She didn't know how to introduce me to people, or how to re-introduce me to people who already knew she had a sister. We edged toward estrangement. But that didn't happen.

When she got pregnant, she decided that her family--which consisted of me--needed to be a part of her child's life. Her son brought us back together. We have a reasonably close relationship now. She is able to refer to me as her brother, although I think it pains her.

At this point, we are just two adults relating to each other, and relating relatively well. We don't really talk a lot about me being trans, but we have enough other things to talk about that there seems no reason to dwell on it. It just is, and so it goes. I'm glad that the relationship is back in my life.

I've always said that, in many cases, a transition can be like a death for those close to us. You can often sit back and watch as your loved ones go through the Kubler-Ross five stages:

Denial: "You're transgendered? You're going through a gender transition? Don't be ridiculous! Are you sure you're not just gay/lesbian?"

Anger: "Why didn't you tell me about this before? You haven't been honest with me! Why are you doing this to me?"

Bargaining: "Maybe we can get you some help. I'll try harder. I'll be a better spouse/parent/child/sibling."

Depression: "I can't deal with this. You have to leave. I don't want to talk to you. You're not my spouse/child/parent/sibling anymore."

Acceptance: Hopefully, this eventually happens. Sometimes, it doesn't. But if you can wait it out, it often does.

When we have been rejected by our own families, trans people are pretty good at building new families around the people we meet when we transition. We are good at setting up holiday parties and get-togethers, and at making new friends and establishing new lives when our old ones fail us.

But in many cases, our family members come around. Sometimes it happens right away. Sometimes it takes years. And sometimes it can take a major event--a birth or a death--to cause a family member to acknowledge our importance in their life.

When that happens, will you send the check back? You're the only one who knows what's right for you.

(Photo: my mom as a majorette--somehow she survived)